towards the end I started to realise that, I had uncounciously done something years ago which stopped me basically destroying everything..... i had never realised it before, and it made me smile... Im didn't 'publish' what I wrote because, the person I was, isn't who I am now... and thats another reason for deleting all them other posts from this site.
Im finally ok with it all....I may explain it sometimes but for now, Im just happy.
